Power Struggles with Teens: A Story & 5 How To Tips

I.Am.Tired. 

If you read my last blog post, you'd know about the computer I found hidden underneath the boy's house. I'm happy to report that we caught the culprits, and in the middle of the investigation caught two other thieving plans before they were implemented! The children were actually digging tunnels, that's right tunnels 2-3 meters long (as in prison break) under the girl's dormitory in the hopes of breaking into the store room. Why the store room? A room full of sweets, snacks, and all you can eat free-dried noodles...well it's a 12 year old boy's dream score. ...It's been a hell of a long week...

Anyways, back to the computer story. There were several boys involved, and my greatest surprise was the young teenage boy involved in splicing the wires to redirect electricity for the computer to function under the boy's house. Evil geniuses they all are; but this  boy I never thought he had it in him to be involved in something like this. The others? Well, I'm not so surprised...they're good children, every single one of them, but they have some seriously bad habits that need to be broken before they get too big for these kinds of games. 

So, this week we called a house meeting. To their credit, every single boy that we knew to be involved in these 'crimes' openly admitted their involvement without denial. And every single one of them accepted their consequences without complaint (hours due working on the farm and cleaning the kitchen after meal times, withdrawn privileges like computer playing time and field trips outside, etc.) Some of these kids will be working off their debt over the next couple months, but the lesson is there...you commit the crime, you pay the time. And more importantly, if you act as an accomplice to crime you are just as guilty. And here is where the real trouble started....

The young boy that spliced the electrical cables wants out. He pulled me aside yesterday to tell me how unfair he thought his punishment was and how he'd rather go back to Burma than face the time, and more importantly the embarrassment. This boy I have a particular love and care for (thus my surprise when we was involved) as his first day here at the Home was also mine, many years ago. I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to react and then it dawned on me...this kid was giving me an ultimatum.

I have made some mistakes in the past when dealing with angry teenagers, and most of these mistakes surround power struggles. I didn't feel like I was engaging in a power struggle yesterday, because it was subtle and passive aggressive, but I did feel trapped. Power struggles with our kids are not so easy and clear to define...the explosive outbursts of anger and temper tantrums are certainly there from time to time, however every once in a while there's an incident like this that comes up where the child engages in a power play that could potentially have much bigger life consequences later on. 

This boy I pulled into a meeting with Didi, our psychologist, a translator, and myself and we spent a very long time discussing options with him. After a lot of talking, and listening, we came to the heart of the matter. The teen is suffering from a lot of pain, as he is starting to make sense of what happened to him as a young boy: physical abuse, abandonment, neglect and relocation. He wants to go back to Burma, but there is nowhere safe for him to go. We did our best to explain how we fight when we love and how we have a duty to teach the children because we care for their development. I told him that he was denying us the opportunity to teach him a valuable life lesson, one he has to learn now while he still can, before the consequences for such an important lesson become irreversible. 

He still thought that he was innocent, merely helping his friends with the electricity since they asked him to. So, we told him a story we had heard recently in town. A man was walking in the rain, along the main road leading out of our village. The rain was exceptionally heavy this day, and a passing motorbike driver felt pity for this man. He pulled over, offered him a lift and carried on to the checkpoints. In the village, life is like this. People are openly trusting; too trusting sometimes. At the police checkpoint, both the driver and the passenger were arrested. The man walking along in the rain was attempting to smuggle kilos of amphetamines, to be sold in the big cities. The driver was convicted to serve the same prison sentence (without bail) as an accomplice to the crime.  He was innocent, and his only defense was that he was lending a helping hand to a stranger in need. But nonetheless, Thai law served him a minimum of 3-5 years. 

Last night we finished our talk with this story, and I looked him in the eyes hoping for some understanding or acceptance...I couldn't see it then, and I can only hope to see it soon. We told him there's no way we can let him pass without consequence. We would be failing him in our duty to teach him, and the other children in our home. 2 months of work is going to disappear quickly, and once over forgotten quickly, but running away and throwing away his education and opportunity for a better future will potentially cause him a life time of suffering. I told him to think about this for 2 days before we talk again about his options. I spent all of last night in tears, second guessing myself and questioning if we were doing the best thing for this child...and for the first time in a very long time I prayed. Prayed for him to see reason, prayed for him to stay, learn and become stronger. 

Power struggles and anger management has been the theme of the month when dealing with our children. I've come a long way since my early days here at the home, and I have learned a few tips for coping with angry kids and how to avoid engaging in power struggles (that almost always left me feeling more broken than the child.) 

• Be consistent: Enforce rules with consistent consequences; allow kids to make decisions and choices clearly knowing the consequences. 
• Stay calm: When kids scream and become disrespectful it is extremely easy to lose your patience. Keep in mind that if you become upset in return, the intensity level of the situation increased. This is often when things are said or done that are not easily forgiven. The goal is to stay calm, and more importantly help the child remain or regain calm. Count to ten, take deep breaths, walk away for a minute or two, talk to a friend before going back to the child again...do whatever it takes to cool down before trying to discipline. 
• Offer choices: Power struggles occur when teens feel a need to regain control. Limits and consequences for their actions might seem reasonable to adults, but for teens they look at the world from an entirely different perspective: looking first and foremost at what others can and can not do (have and have not) compared to them. In this culture loss of face, or embarrassment, is a huge shame. Giving choices (i.e. about their punishment or time for doing punishment) can help them feel a healthy regain of control and help them save face. 
• Stay respectful: Take the high road here and don't 'give what you get.' First and foremost it is important to be a good role model for children, and often that means absorbing emotional blows and rising above them. Words are very powerful, and remember you don't want to run the risk of saying or doing something can that not be undone and potentially harm your relationship for a very long time. Avoid switching the argument to the issue of the child's attitude, this will only diminish the importance of the issue at hand. Address the disrespect another time. 
• Keep consequences realistic: Be sure the punishment matches the crime. Give exact time limits, and if you need to take some time to think clearly before issuing consequence do that, but not too long where the issue diminishes from memory. Ask teens what they think is an appropriate consequence. Enforce these consequences, make sure you follow closely what the child is doing and don't forget to praise them when they behave well in the midst of punishment. Praise them for all the times they are not fighting with you, praise them for listening and praise them for understanding (even if they pretend they don't.) 

If you've got teenagers at home, or by some extremely small chance you're another volunteer at a children's home...well, good luck out there.