A Bad Day...

The price you pay for traveling the world, is loneliness.

My sister in law gave birth to 2 new beautiful baby girls the other day, and the only connection I have with them is a few snippets of photos and emails. You can't hold photos, you can't hug emails.

My brother, the father, is also overseas. A pilot in the U.S. Navy, he was not able to fly home to be with his wife in the delivery room. He won't get to see them until December this year, and I only have the tiniest inkling of the frustration he must be feeling.

The difference is, I chose to go away. My brother didn't have that luxury. The military says he goes, and he does, with his back straight and a warm smirk that goes annoyingly well with his casual goodbyes.

If you ask how they cope, more comes through the silent pauses...pain, sadness, longing these are all left unsaid with the strength and determination to push through it and even ignore it.

Despite that, here I am, half a world away, living with my choice. Is this being selfish? It feels like it...why can't I be in two places at once?

There's been a lot of issues in my family recently: people passing, people getting sick, people fighting...There's also been a lot of joy: holidays, gatherings, birthdays and births...and I haven't been there for any of it.

I know I'm living my life, doing exactly what I want to do. But sometimes, I feel like I'm failing my family. My best friend Queenie is about to quit her job and move back home, because her Mom needs her to. Would I be able to do that if ever needed?

It's not just family...friends too. These days they are few and far between continents and oceans, and every year I seem to lose more than gain. So many weddings I've missed, and so many troubles I haven't been there for.

How can I have it all? How can I live my life so far away from everyone that I love and not be forgotten? It goes both ways too... How can I stay over here, and not forget what's there?

"Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run."

I'm trying to figure this all out. What does it mean to be completely happy? I'm happy here, with the lifestyle and the work abroad. But there's still a huge void, and I don't know how to reconnect the two. If I went back home, I'd still have the void...

Sorry...today's just a bad day. Way too much time alone with my thoughts. I'm switching the music to Bob Marley's '3 little birds' then going to have a few drinks with my mates.