Today is my birthday, and rather unexpectedly I have been granted a day off. A much needed day off I might add.
I woke up feeling miserable...The first thought that entered my brain when I woke up this morning was about my dear friend, and his funeral ceremony today. Out of respect for him and his family, I won't go into the details here only to say that his loss was unexpected and unexplained. I have known about his suicide for a couple of weeks now, and the only comfort I have found is that if someone is in so much pain that they feel the need to take their own life...well I hope they find (found?) the peace they were so longing for.
I am currently with a group of short term volunteers at Baan Unrak, and despite my best efforts I could not find the energy or drive to wake up and join them today. I made arrangements for them to work with another volunteer and justified my decision considering that I haven't had a true 'day off' in more than a month. After a sleep in I got phone calls from Tik, my friends and my Mom and well this helped boost my mood a lot. I took advantage of a rare showing of the sun (the monsoon rainy season is drowning the village!) finished washing and hanging my clothes and made my way up to the home to join my group. Turns out they also asked to take the afternoon off after a tough day on the farm...so alas here I am and rather unexpectedly, on my birthday nonetheless, also enjoying a rare day off! Even more incredible, the network is down on my phone so absolutely no calls can be made or come in today...I can't help but feel like the universe is telling me to slow down, shut off for a while, and recollect.
side note: [I struggle with guilt a lot when I take time off away from my groups, so I have promised them a documentary viewing tonight and an interesting discussion should follow: the subject being Aung San Suu Kyi.]
This morning, and for the better part of last night I have been trying to take stock of my life. Reexamining all the things that have made me happy over the years and dissecting the reasons behind those that didn't. Some big changes are coming up for me soon, as I hope to 'restart' if you will: new home, new job, new community, new life. As usual, with the prospect of big new life changes comes that terrifying fear...but if I have learned anything of myself these past 28 years it's that I can be fearless, or reckless according to my brother, by tumbling into the unknown with the risk of 'losing it all.' However, losing it all (at least financially) doesn't mean much when you really have nothing much to start with.
I recently had my fortune told and can't help but feel optimistic. Its Thai to English translation is a little funny, but the overall message is pretty clear:
"Successful in anything, but trading is the best. Forthcoming child will be baby. Your mate will make a good match. Lost articles will be recovered. Very good luck approaching. Patient fast recovering. Outstanding debts will be refunded. Overall, this one is especially good."
In case my family is freaking out, no I am not pregnant and no Tik has not yet asked me to marry him. Rest assured, I am doing well and continuing to think and act independently in my life until I know for certain I will not be alone anymore.
Have you heard of 'The Happiness Project'? I've just finished reading it, and while most of it I feel is over analytic and dissected, some of the basic principles I will try to apply over the next coming months as I move closer to my own Happiness Project.
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