The other day I picked up a copy of 'Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul' from the library and took it home. I knew I was looking for something, and I had high hopes I would find some answers between the pages. The past 3 nights I have been religiously reading the short stories and the endings are always the same for me: lighthearted, leaving me giddy yet completely unsatisfied.
The stories are great, don't get me wrong; some of them are incredibly heart-breaking while inspiring, and most of them are beautifully well-written...but now I understand my disappointment has come because I am looking for another book...a 'Chicken Soup for the Social Worker's Soul.'
This New Year has started off rocky at best. The Year of the Dragon has come upon us, and all the locals have embraced it nervously as the year of unpredictability and unstoppable change. I have been living in the children's home for nearly 6 months, and already so many intense changes have developed in my life, my work and personal relationships...It's only 2 months into the year 2012 and I am already feeling broken and exhausted. What else is coming my way, I'd like to know please?!
6 months isn't a lot of time, but I have jumped hurdles (emotional and physical) trying to get through to these troubled kids. The pay off is coming in now, at an unstoppable rate...excuse the expression, but I am so far deep in the shit now I'm actually drowning in it.
I am REALLY in it now, as I have become a first-hand source of information for most of the incidents happening in our home; whether it's about teenage angst, suspected suicide attempts, violent fights, or relationship heart break...it somehow always ends up in my lap, mumbled in between the choked words, runny noses and streaming tears.
The latest bomb shell has shaken me to the core and has made me stumble in my own powerlessness. Child sex abuse...the predator only 14 years old and a victim of sex abuse himself, the prey an 8 year old girl rescued from a family unit of sex abusers...this little girl's memories are consumed by violent abuse and she has been the victim of several sex offenders already, even though she is still so new to this terrible world. I feel sick to my stomach; this happened in plain sight, right under our noses and we didn't find out about it until it was too late.
The only reason we know about it now is because one of the older kids confided in me...and thank God for that. Thank God some of these kids see an ally in me, or at the very least they see me as a responsible adult there to fight for them. I can't believe we have come this far, so soon. Imagine how much more I can do, when I gain the trust of even more kids over the next 6 months...and however many more thereafter.
If it's not sex abuse weighing on me in the early morning hours, it's a lack of opportunity and drive I see in these kids...the kids here suffer from laziness, and I would too if I was born into a world where soldiers hold guns to keep you down and people always treat you like the second-class citizens the government says you are. I'm trying to keep them motivated and hopeful, but what do I know? I've come from a life of privilege, and as far as they're concerned my beliefs are as alien to them as their political status.
The emotional dependency takes its toll after a while too; this usually strikes me in the evenings as I tuck myself into bed...these kids, abandoned for one reason or another by their families, have staked claims in my heart and compete for my devotion and attention. It tests my patience, and it cracks walls in my heart since I have no idea how much I should give of myself...how much should I give them, not knowing how long I will be physically present in their lives? How much should I give them, give of myself? I'm afraid of being consumed by their lives...it almost happened once last year, and I only came out from the blanket of their despair by the grace and helping hands of my volunteer friends standing by me.
In one quick turn of fate I have transformed into mother, sister, social worker, teacher, soul searcher, student, and seeker. I have completely let go of my inhibitions, and have lost myself in the service to these kids and the Home...but in losing myself, I have broken down every false belief I had in my make up and am learning more and more every day about who I am and who I truly have the potential to become in this lifetime.
For now... I am just tired. In one week I will be taking some time out for myself, a well deserved trip back to the States to rest in the comfort and love of friends and family. I am devastated to be leaving some of these kids for the month I will be away, who knows what trouble will stir while I am gone...however I know when I do return I will be recharged and re-energized to fight for them (and with them, should the occasion call for it!)
I have been looking within myself a lot lately, doing some soul searching I guess...and for the first time, truly in my life, I have been looking for God. I read somewhere that "the more a man takes the needs of others on his own heart, the more he must take his own heart to God." I understand that now, I really do, because sometimes things terrible things are happening around me without any rhyme or reason behind it that I can see...those are the days I throw my hands up in the air, crawl onto my pillow and beg for some salvation...not for me, but for the others.
So many times I have looked into the faces of people truly suffering and found only peace and contentment that they consider themselves protected in God's hands...I want some of that blind faith, I want some of that comfort...I'm not sure where to start, but I guess writing about it is a good start.
