"Stef, there's a difference between being fired and being laid off..."
I don't think I will ever forget how I felt the afternoon I heard those words. I could hardly look my boss in the eye when I grumbled "It sure feels the same..."
This was nearly a month ago, and I would be lying if I didn't say the past few weeks have been full of anger and fear. However, I can honestly say there was never any real sadness. Getting laid off is a really, really shit feeling. In my case I worked for this particular company for 5 years and made a lot of sacrifices in my personal life...and for what?
Well we're not getting into that here and despite this I have big news, good news, GREAT news. Getting laid off has proven to be a blessing in disguise, because it's made what was once a hard decision now the easiest and most natural decision I've made in years.
I am finally moving in as a full-time volunteer at the Baan Unrak Children's Home.
I think it's safe to say, everyone who knows me knows this was coming. Over the years my passion for the children at Baan Unrak has intensified exponentially, and I always thought someday I would have the courage to drop everything and take my dedication to their cause to the next level. Now Time has come, and I can't help but feel like she's chosen me. The way things have been falling perfectly into place the past few weeks makes me feel that someone, somewhere is guiding me, and decided that now was the right time for me to make great changes in my life.
I've been talking about this as a possiblility for a long time now...but my work obligations, and more importantly my fears were always holding me back.
Fears. BIG fears. Fears like: what can I offer the Home it doesn't already have?; what can I possibly do for these kids that others aren't already doing?; will I survive rural village life for long?; and what the hell am I going to do when my money runs out?
My brother once told me that if I tried to live at the Home while continuing to work with my company, it was like jumping into a safety net. I understand him now, and know that he is right (as usual.) I would have never truly been able to commit to the kids and I would have spent more time away from the Home than I needed to.
Lucky, that a strong support system of friends and family here has talked me through the worst of these fears. In the end, I still have the same BIG questions to answer but I am no longer afraid to see them through.
The biggest lesson I have learned from all of this is to enjoy the sensation of acceptance. For a second, a terrifying moment, I thought I lost everything. Now, I feel that finding the courage to start over again can be the greatest challenge that reaps the most awesome rewards.
This is it. I have every rational reason not to make this decision, but in the end my heart has won. Screw being a realist, screw the FEAR; this is the time for me to follow my gut, my instinct and my heart's strings to a better place. I might be making one of the biggest mistakes in my life, but I know that no matter what happens now I won't ever regret trying. I always thought my time and attention was divided at Baan Unrak while taking care of the volunteers...and now, I am finally free to really grow; try to become someone stronger, someone inspired, someone driven.
I move in on Friday, and all the kids know I'm coming to stay long-term. The smiles on their faces when I told them the good news overwhelmed me with confidence. Before I left my last group of volunteers, one of the older teenage girls wrapped her arms around me waist and asked me to 'hurry back.' Don't worry, I will.
